Eastons CC.

Report vs Eastons

Match Report
Date 17/08/2025 
Oppo Eastons (a)
Type 35 Overs
Report by Anon

In his book 'The Myth Of Sisyphus' French philosopher Albert Camus states "There is no worse punishment than worthless, hopeless labour." And so it was that the
brave warriors of LOSCC laboured hopelessly under a blazing, blinding, Essex sun (more of that later) in a worthless endeavour after the team from Little Easton
posted a ridiculously unreachable total, rendering the game dead and buried before Tea. So, let us paraphrase the question set by another great philosopher of our
time, David Byrne of Talking Heads, and ask "Well....how did we get there?".....

The trip North to the tiny hamlet of Little Easton was uneventful, as Dano and his rapidly growing Giant Schnauzer, Nelson, (surely now the team's official mascot?)
luxuriated in the extra room upfront afforded by the absence of Big Al Syrett, making his own way this time. The big ugly creature with huge hairy bollocks clearly
enjoyed the journey. As did Nelson.

Hopes were high as the assembled teammates, including new additions Christian Donovan and Peter Stroud, along with second-timer Ansar 'Casey Jones' Hussain, 
received a pre-match quizzing from Captain Ritzy Richardson, as he attempted to establish their cricketing credentials. Did they bat? Did they bowl? Could they 
field? Could they catch? Could they run? The mumbled replies of "Err, a bit of everything/I haven't played for years/I've got a bad leg/don't know what I'm doing 
here" hardly inspired confidence, but Ritzy persevered and soon formulated a plan of attack, although with Baldrick-esque cunning, he kept it secret from the rest
of his team.

Last time they were here LOSCC had reduced Eastons to 0-4 after a couple of overs and went on to win the game. And so it was, high on hope, the whiff of Dano's 
Deep Heat, and maybe just a little bit of Ketamine left over from Daji's recent big weekender, that the mighty O's took to the field under the blazing (and 
blinding) Essex sun (more of that later) to set about the Eastons batsmen. The diminutive bowler fella from the land of the long white cloud showed no ill effects 
of his 5 nights of drug-fuelled debauchery in a field in the South Downs, starting with a couple of probing maidens, while at the other end Sir Jack proved equally 
economical despite a heavy night celebrating Orients 2-2 draw with Stockport. With just 16 runs on the board after 9 overs, it looked like the LOSCC boys could be 
on the path to repeating the result from earlier in the season, but before long the openers began to find their range and soon the score progressed to 72 for 2 when 
the oppo's captain, a certain Mr S 'Reg' Register, entered the fray. Soon the score had reached 153 before Big Al bamboozled their number 4 for a steady 42, 
brilliantly stumped by Danny Boy and only some dropped catches prevented 'The Wall' from claiming more scalps. Ansar not so much dropping one as avoiding any
contact with the ball at all, while the antipodean youth somehow managed to not only drop one but simultaneously scoop it over the boundary for 6. Syrett was his 
usual happy self until Daji finally pocketed one to give him his second scalp, but by then the damage was done. Reg went on. And on. And on. JBM and Daji remained
wicketless  but returned fine figures of 7-3-0-30 and 7-1-0-24 respectively, while everyone else got bit of a spanking. A rapid 50 saw no 'gentlemanly' retirement
from Reg, the inevitable 100 likewise, and on it went. Huge 6's rained down as Big Al's wife Janet and German visitor Henri took cover beneath the Horse Chestnut 
trees. Even Nelson the dog looked bored. What was the point, we asked? Revenge for some perceived 'send off' given by Daji earlier in the year? Who knew? Who cared?
Highlights and lowlights of the fielding were both provided by Sir Jack, snaffling a brilliant catch at short mid-off after first parrying it up in the air, but 
later providing a contender for the 'Ollie Buck Award For Dropping Sitters,'the hat throwing and ground-kicking illustrating Sir Jack's frustration.

And so with a frankly silly target of 257 on the board openers Whittam and Barot set about the chase. Dano went for 6 to bring Andy Hudson in and a decent stand 
took the score to 45 before Hudder's fell for 19. New man Peter Stroud looked comfortable before scooping one to mid off for 8 and Paul Selby followed for 13. Sex 
God Sandeep had moved nicely onto 37 before falling on the stroke of drinks and by now the game was effectively over with 93 on the board after 18 overs. And so as 
the soon-to-be blinding sun began to set (yes,I'm nearly there), Sir Jack and Big John soldiered on, Hayes stoically posting his highest ever score (19) and JBM
reaching his now customary 18 before being misjudged LBW by Stroud, umpiring for the first and last time for LOSCC. By this time the oppo skipper had clearly 
decided that a meaningless victory was to be his and his alone as he brought himself on to clean up the tail, claiming Big John before Daji went for a duck to usher 
Syrett to the crease who followed for a first-baller claiming he was momentarily blinded by the FUCKING STUPID FUCKING SUN, the unfortunate alignment of planetary 
bodies conspiring to prevent the big man from 'cracking on'. Ansar denied the Eastons man a Hat-trick by smashing a four and finishing with 6, his first runs for 
the O's but Donovan soon fell to Reg and it was all over.

As the brave LOSCC boys re-grouped in the changing room it wasn't the sun but a moon, in the shape of JBM's rear end that caused alarm as a small stumble bought said 
body part into frightening proximity with Richardson's face, which, added to the impressively large breasts displayed by oppo skipper Reg after his knock, completed 
the Holy Trinity of Tits, Arse and Bollocks in this particular fixture.

The customary adjournment to The Swan followed, somewhat lacking in cheery banter with the less than affable hosts, but the O's and had plenty to smile about before 
heading home, with only those fortunate enough to get caught on the mysteriously closed M11 left cursing their luck.

Onwards to Rayleigh, Woodford Green and Hatfield Heath to round off the season.

Come on you 0's.

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© Dave Revell