Woodham Mortimer CC. Woodham Mortimer CC.
Match Report Date 17/05/26 Oppo Woodham Mortimer (a) Type 40 Overs Report by Fireman Sam Leyton Orient Supporters CC travelled to the picturesque Pheasant Park on Sunday, where Woodham Mortimer kindly agreed to host us and then, less kindly, proceeded to score 252 for 9. The hosts got off to a flyer, helped by LOSCC’s early bowling, which could best be described as ‘mixed’. Sharif (65) and Akbar (60) tucked in happily, retiring at 50, before returning at the end. The best that can be said about the early bowling is that they saw off the openers, in a way. Meanwhile Nigel ‘bunny’ Costin was seen enlisting his wife to give him a set of preparatory throw-downs in the nets. Freddie ‘the future’ Meaden and John ‘was the future once’ Hayes replaced them after 12 overs, thankful that their teammate’s efforts had spared them the opportunity to be pulled apart by the hosts’ openers. Costin’s work had clearly paid dividends as he greatly improved on his previous outing against the O’s (by a margin of 100% no less) by surviving Hayes’ first ball. However, the very next ball, in a moment reminiscent of the ‘Buck ball’ at Godshill only a year previous, Costin tried to take on the O’s strike bowler, but could only pick out Matt Hiscock. In sympathy for their friend, frequent teammate and all-round good guy, the O’s squad waited at least five seconds before they burst out laughing. This only compounded Costin’s fortunes, as he is now dealing with yet another noise complaint from the houses beside the famously silent road next to the ground. Hiscock produced a remarkable spell of 4–14, proving that wickets do indeed fall if you bowl at the stumps. Hayes chipped in with three more, and Jack Baker‑Merry delivered reasonable overs, despite the fact that he had to deal with the aftereffects of a late night trying to prevent his block of flats from burning down. He was also battling stomach cramps from a diet consisting exclusively of deer rib and Mentos, and trousers that were not just falling apart but actively ceasing to be trousers at all. A word too for Danny Whittam, who after driving all the way from Gloucester, not only had to detour via Epping as the only licenced driver still left in the club, but had to endure Baker-Merry’s tales of a stubborn 18* for Wanstead High against Oaks Park in 2008 designed to inspire the young Meaden (who quickly shut him up by explaining that he was born that year). Whittam’s senses were as sharp as the tree‑cutting blade he had ‘coincidentally’ positioned next to Baker‑Merry’s seat, taking two stumpings to build on his growing statistical dominance over the wicket-keeping charts. The O’s boys enjoyed their own pre-bought, or in Baker-Merry’s case pre-soaked’ sandwiches and the excellent cheese spread brought by Hayes. The ‘Wanstead four’ of Baker-Merry, Hayes, Clapton and Meaden exchanged stories about teachers past and present, with a slightly disturbing story about a stapler accident in Mr Langford’s history class putting the boys off the remaining Port Salut, which was probably for the best. Chasing 253, LOSCC began with the usual optimism that lasts until roughly the third over. Skipper Ian Richardson was heard telling opening partner Stef Minkey to run to ‘literally everyone but the lad in the red cap’s arm.’ After a solid start, our leader chose to ignore this advice, taking on the arm of the ‘Woodham Jonty Rhodes’ and quickly seeing the timber disturbed as he desperately scrambled down the wicket, run out for seven. However, not to be put off by their inspiration’s demise, Minkey (32) and debutant, who everyone was shocked to discover was under the age of 83, given that Syrett had recommended him, Kaas Malik (24) kept things moving. Soon however, disaster struck again, after Malik was also run out by Mr Red Cap. This brought Hiscock to the crease, looking to build on his impressive start to the season. Shortly after, Minkey was caught off the bowling of Careless (not a made-up name), bringing Baker-Merry to the crease. Hiscock played the aggressor, as he and blocker Baker set about hauling the O’s back into the contest. Hiscock retired on reaching 50, bringing Paul ‘more clubs than Tiger Woods’ Elby to the crease, but also the young Meaden who had miscalculated, and thus proving that education standards at Wanstead High really have fallen since the heady days of 2014. Elby smashed a brisk 26, before being bowled by a delivery with a trajectory flatter than Orient’s 2025/26 points‑per‑game ratio, bringing Meaden to the crease. After grinding his way to ‘a start’, Baker-Merry surprised everyone – including even himself – by launching a huge six into the Forest at the far end of the ground, giving him time to ask Meaden if several long-since retired teachers were still teaching at Wanstead whilst the ball was recovered. Meaden then received the ‘Elby ball’, peeling himself away from the crease after some good running with ‘back in my day’ Baker-Merry, which brought Syrett to the crease. Syrett, with running ability restored after a winter of lager and rum drinking, continued the good work, keeping the scoreboard ticking before being bowled by Diss. In between dissecting the recent local election results, ‘more sweeps than ‘Dick van Dyke’ Baker-Merry and Clapton then continued the good running, stealing runs wherever possible. After reaching 50 (somehow twice) Baker-Merry retired to find the local textiles shop to repair his ruined clothing, with Hayes replacing him. After Clapton cracked a lovely, lofted drive to four, the excitement clearly went to his head. Repeating the shot, he was impressively caught and bowled by Diss. Danny ‘Stagecoach’ Whittam came and went, bringing Hiscock back to the crease. Unfortunately, the equation, once Minkey had consulted his abacus to work it out, was too much for the O’s, who fell to a creditable 16 run defeat. The O’s polished off the remaining cheese selection and drinks kindly paid for by Costin, who was later seen on the phone to his wife arranging her next available coaching clinic.
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© Dave Revell