Rettendon.

Report vs Rettendon

Match Report
Date 02/06/2024 
Oppo Rettendon (a)
Type 35 Overs
Report by The Minkster

Rettendon 164/4 (21) beat LOSCC 160/7 (35)

In fine summer weather, LOSCC turned up at the Rettendon ground full of anticipation.
Skipper Richardson had won the toss and elected to bat first, based on plan A, to pile up a huge score and then intimidate the opposition with our firey
bowling attack in the chase or plan B, get in the bar early.

This decision was hampered with some late selection news, with Liam dropping out of the squad due to some legal issues around libelous match reports dating 
back to 2016. When asked who would write the match reports, Liam replied "Dump it on Steffo, he loves writing that rubbish". Liam was later seen in an 
animated conversation on the phone with his QC - "What do you mean the captain of Epping Foresters has taken a plea deal, its a disgrace, the whole thing 
has been rigged!" before hurriedly heading off in the direction of The Old Bailey.

Further team troubles surface with the non-appearance of The Edgemiester. This facilitated a new partnership of Stefan (23, 3x4) and Jack (4). So intimidated 
were Rettendon by this new combo, they turned to opening the bowling with a wicket keeper. The two opening batsmen negotiated this superbly by raising an 
eyebrow, Mr Cholmondley-Warner style at the umpire to prompt yet another wide to be signalled. After an opening stand of 39, Jack got bored and decided to bat 
properly, immediately getting out the next ball. This brought The Edgemiester (39, 2x4, 2x6) to the wicket who attempted to spin his lateness with a yarn 
about PTSD from having to circumnavigate "Ride London" last year - however, under cross-examination from match reporter Minkey, it turned out that 
The Edgemiester had not read the whattsapp message. Searching for a plea deal, The Edgemiester suggested a non-disclosure agreement, however match reporter 
Minkey confirmed he had journalistic integrity and vowed to protect his sources with confidentiality, sworn on this months supply of pork pies. 

Wickets began to tumble with only Hudson (16, 3x4) getting double figures before the final pair of Parkes (11no, 2x4) and Daji (18no, 2x4, 1x6) hitting out at 
the end to close the total at a respectable but probably not good enough 160/7. There was some controversy with Matt 'The Fixer' Hiscock being judged LBW. 
When reviewing the decision, umpire Minkey saw 64 million ways it was definitely out but opted for LBW, based on 'plumb in front', plus if he did hit it, the 
keeper caught it anyway.

After tea, Rettendon set about the target with ease with a big opening stand between Abrehart (53 retired n/o, 8x4, 2x6) and Krise (43, 7x4) putting the match 
beyond doubt before "Jimmy" Amos (2-50) coming on and deciding to break centuries of LOSCC tradition to bowl at the stumps to claim two quick wickets. Matt 
'The Fixer" Hiscock (1-20) chipped in with a wicket as Falconbridge (44no, 6x4, 1x6) closed out the match with the final act coming from Skipper Richardson (1-27) 
coming on at the end to claim another wicket while emphasising "Plan B".

After the match, 'The Fixer' organised a World Cup T20 sweep stake, strangely all the top ranked teams seemed to be dished out between Matt and Liam. At one point, 
indications of a conspiracy heightened when match reporter Minkey drew the team 'Wakanda'. "I did not know Wakanda played T20 international cricket - in fact, 
I did not know Wakanda was even a country?", however the sweep stake completed without further incident.

Next week, Edgemiester reads his whattsapp messages, the Serious Fraud Office completes their sweep stake investigation, Liam gets bail and LOSCC are away to 
Southgate Compton.

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© Dave Revell